Truth is Like an Onion
Truth is like an onion - there are often layers and complexity so that what you see or read is often not the whole story. I ronically enough - I started this essay before I went to Woolfcamp - but then in the break off session - this was something we talked about. We were thinking that disclaiming our rendition of truth seems to be a more female urge - than male.Well I can’t really say if this is so - but my disclaiming urge has to do with the idiosyncrocies in my life.
I was thinking about some of what I’d written regarding my life with Marc. There are no apologies attached - I wanted to talk about my life and I did. I have gotten some heat but not much. I laugh wondering if people minded the talk of money more than the talk of sex. God forbid we talk about these things - just cause we all struggle with them. To some it’s like hanging out a pair of soiled underwear out to dry. Hopefully I will never do that exactly - as even I hold things back. We all do. You just can’t capture a whole life anyways. The best moments always happen when I am not with camera and some things can’t be written.
I say we have an open marriage. Another angle off this - is that this is an easy claim for us to make at this time in our lives. Given that we are both rapidly aging mammals - that win no beauty contest - it is more of a philosophy than reality. I have alot of other things to do in my life. We are not swingers. I just don’t freak out that Marc has a sex drive - what would I do in fact if he didn’t? So if he comes up to you at a party and tells you he wants to get it on - well it is your job to react and rest assured that while it may make me roll my eyes - it won’t break my heart. The man is eternally hopeful and I’m safe in that he simply is not everyone’s cup of tea. Perhaps I would feel differently if he was a GQ model - but I’ve never really been atrracted to such men. I am not here to tell anyone how to live their lives in this regard. But I will say that loving someone enough so that they can be honest with you about these things - is something I really believe in. And I do think that it is good to consider that sometimes people have issues that get worked out by having an affair and if we can not take it all personally - then we may have a chance for a better marriage. This may sound strange - but I actually think there are worse things people do to each other - sometimes. SO much depends on motivation that it is hard to speak in absolutes. I know from discussing things with my dearest friends - how different we all are in these arenas. I live with a public person - so I am reacting in a public way. Maybe this is a mistake - maybe not. I have to say that I am liberal - do believe that same sex marriages should be supported and tend to judge relationships on how the people involved treat each other - and not on race and sexual preference. I actually believe in people respecting and loving each other - not just as couples - but as a society. Hillary Clinton is an amazing example of this - she is not a victim - she is a damn strong woman who didn’t lose her head. Why is this not seen for the pillar of strength it in fact is? Why did we even care about Bill getting a blow job when he was trying to do much more important things. Need I remind of how many moral majority leader types have been caught on tape with prostitutes? And how prositution is the oldest profession? Cause we are sexual beings - with all the complexity that entails. I do have morals - I abhor anything involving force or children - DUH. Anything consentual is just that. And to think that for this I will be called a loose woman by some. UGH. Meanwhile I try and make sure my kids get a healthy diet - don’t watch too much TV - get their minds challenged appropriately - things that really matter most and are in fact not easy.
If anything - I am interested in the contradictions.
The money issues - well it really is very typical of the kind of entrepenuer Marc is - he’s creative - an idea guy. It’s not like this story hasn’t happened before. Some entrepeneurs are born with money and so never experience these moments - but many aren’t and have had to sacrifice in order to accomplish their goals. I think it is important to talk about the challenging times - to offset the glory stories we hear. The funny thing is it easier to talk about struggling than to discuss success. If we had made a lot of money I doubt I would talk about it - I would worry about the security of my children in a whole new way. And weird as it is - hardships bring us together while opulence tears us apart.There is a funny story my ex used to tell in which people were asked to increase people’s pain or pleasure with a dial that would progress up and down - people found it much harder to increase pleasure. They just couldn’t take it. Hmmm. Like it’s easier to be draconian. I have to admit that I feel too draconian as a parent sometimes - but then again I think it is harmful to not give your child some sense of boundaries. All is not a perfect kumba ya land.
Marc and I suffered during the last tech crash - I was a dot com project manager - joining many in getting laid off. Marc was a consultant in a market that dried up. Given that many of us struggled during this time period - I fail to see why this means anything to discuss. Things are very much on the up. We may have clients that pay late - but they will pay and the pipeline is active. It’s about all anyone in business could expect. My goal is to work again - but I really want to find something that can be flexible so that I can do the things I want for my kids. I have worked all my life - very hard - it was strange that when the time came for me to have kids - my career path dried up. It has all been worth it - I love being a mom to 2 rambuncious girls.Well at least most of the time - -
February 21st, 2006 at 4:18 pm
Lisa, I am impressed with your candor. I realize that sounds like ‘canter’. So, there you go, a little sound symmetry with the concept.
Thank you for your presence at WoolfCamp. You and your daughters are absolutely delightful.
February 21st, 2006 at 11:44 pm
Candor Canter - very nice observation. I had a great time at Woolf Camp and hope to come to your next one. You and your family were very brave to sacrifice your house to the cause - BRAVO.
February 22nd, 2006 at 12:11 am
Yes, I too agree with Grace. Thank you for your honesty and openness..and freedom!
February 22nd, 2006 at 12:45 am
Thanks - I’m not going to say it wasn’t without some trepidation but one thing that motivates me is the thought that I might help someone somehow by being honest. In fact I am hoping that what comes through most is that I am promoting honesty - which I think is so key to any relationship.
February 22nd, 2006 at 9:00 pm
I feel the same way about talking about sex and open marriages, and honesty… I try to be open about being poly, but don’t always know if I’m doing the right thing. Damn, you missed the long talk in the kitchen about poly relationships and their practical workings - Me, Debbie, Grace with her curious intelligent questions, and others… We talked about jealousy, scheduling, uncertainties, and privacy boundaries, and the ways that when your partners’ other partner or their other partners (yes, that far down the chain) have issues, it ripples back to affect you, which affects the amount of information you might want to have.
February 23rd, 2006 at 12:39 am
I think you are doing a selfless thing in some ways - because you are fighting the fight. Talking about being poly in today’s world is a sacrifice because people just don’t understand what it is and why you do as you do. Rather than see the love you pore out (you seem to me to be a very loving giving person) I am sure people can’t see past the sex. Funny thing about sex is that we all do it - but act like we don’t. Or think about it at least!
I wish I had been there for that discussion! I used to be more jealous - I can’t say why I am less so these days - other than maybe it got kind of burnt out of me. That’s not to say things couldn’t make me feel bad - but I would understand that I felt something was lacking and would go about trying to get what I needed. If Marc gives me all I need and want - what do I care if he gives to someone else. Love is not like a pie in which one slice means less for the rest. But if he wasn’t giving me what I needed and then I saw him giving that to someone else- well then that would hurt and would need to be changed.
But it’s a two way street as I also feel incredibly liberated knowing that I own my sexuality inside and outside my marriage and that I have a partner who would allow me different experiences should they come up. Even if nothing ever happens I feel empowered. It feels real good. From this vantage point - jealousy and possesiveness - seems such a waste of energy. You own what you have not what you want to have - people either connect deeply or they don’t and all the rest is nonsense.
I think there can be a real hard core morality to all of this - which most people don’t get at all.
March 18th, 2006 at 3:32 am
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